Learning how to graciously and assertively say “No” is an acquired skill in setting boundaries. People often find it very difficult to say “No” to others about things that they don’t really want to do. They often said yes because they are scared of upsetting others, so they become conditioned to do what others want in order to avoid conflicts, and to take the easy but wrong path.
The best way to refuse a request is to create a win-win situation, so you will feel less guilty and make the other person feel confident in approaching you in the future. To some people, this comes naturally.
If you are the kind of person struggling to speak out this magical word, I will give in this article some practical hints on how to say No in an assertive way:
1. Start small
Assertively expressing your boundaries takes practice. So, try to begin with a small boundary that isn’t threatening to you, and that involves easy people to deal with; your open-minded friends and people who matter to you will understand your reasons for saying NO and will respect your choice. Then you can develop your skill with more challenging boundaries and with more difficult people.
2. Be direct
Don’t apologize, the most successful approach is to make your boundaries clear and avoid any doubt in expressing your limits. Don’t try to be vague or indecisive in your expressions, and especially never apologize for saying NO, because you might give the impressions that you are less firm or that you’re doing something wrong that requires an apology or justification.
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3. Recognize that it’s okay to say no
Give yourself the permission to fix, work and preserve your boundaries, because they are a sign of self-respect, there is no healthy relationship without clear and authentic boundaries, the most important thing to consider is that saying No from time to time to certain people requests it’s not just OK, but it’s a must to reduce stress and anxiety in your life.
4. Stay respectful
Some of the reasons why people avoid saying NO is because They think it’s disrespectful, but it’s not true at all, refusing requests with a calm and polite ton it’s not that hard, you need just to use appropriate and non-offensive language in order to be heard and to express your right to do what’s really important for you.
5. Seek support
Starting to set boundaries is often challenging and will bring up a lot of uncomfortable feelings and hiding conflicts, that’s why having a support system is invaluable, whether it’s a support group, a specialist, helpful books, or a good friend, it will help you to stand and to not give up on your self-care journey.
Keep in mind that being able to say “No” takes courage and practice. If you are in tune with your assertiveness, you will get it right every time. Assertiveness is a skill you can master and develop regularly.
How to overcome guilt when saying “NO”?
If you are a people pleaser, sensitive, or an empath, maybe it will be harder for you to say NO. Because you don’t want to disappoint others, you believe that you are not doing your part and you feel guilty about it.
Guilt comes generally from our education. Because of this, sometimes we feel guilty when we have violated some internal standard that we have been taught. But we should be careful about this feeling. Sometimes we feel like we’re doing something bad or wrong when setting boundaries. The problem is that others will often say things to reinforce our guilty thoughts. If you have been raised in a family where your boundaries are bad, and saying no to a request is rude, you will feel often guilty to speak up for yourself and to have control over your life.
There are several ways to handle this feeling of guilt:
1. Accept the fact that you will feel usually guilty at first for setting boundaries and making yourself a priority. The only way that you can overcome the guilt is by facing it and considering it as a sign that you’re on the right path.
2. Recognize that the reason why you feel guilty for choosing what’s best for you is, possibly, because of your disease to please and low self-esteem. And not necessarily because you have done something wrong.
3. Work on your own pain, and try to heal your wounds, when you worry about being a bad person, investigate your thoughts, and remind yourself that you’re not responsible for other people’s feelings or comfort level. When you consider that each person has responsibility for themselves, you help them indirectly by empowering them to meet their own needs.
4. Admit that if you keep putting yourself on mute, you will always be at the mercy of other people’s opinions of you and you will never be able to stand up for yourself and recreate your life the way you aspire for.
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5. Recognize that this is your problem and not theirs. By blaming others for “making” you feel guilty, you will only feel good if they stop sending you guilt messages, and you will give them control over your life because they will still have power over you. Don’t agree with those messages. The problem is real because it happens inside your own head. Remind yourself that It’s Ok to set boundaries, that you did a good job setting a boundary even though it’s uncomfortable, and that just because you feel guilty doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.
After all, there’s no way you’re going to wish to spend more time feeling guilty and scared about being you. You don’t have to take this journey alone, get support from an understanding friend or a specialist; they can help you process your feeling and comfort yourself when you feel bad about doing the right thing even if someone else doesn’t like it.
