A people pleaser is someone who looks very nice and supportive, but if you inspect deeply the feelings and the thoughts behind this behavior, you will hit upon low self-esteem, too many insecurities, and irrational fear of conflict.
Are you a people pleaser? Not sure? These 7 signs will help you find out definitely:
1. You feel responsible for other’s feelings
You pay too much attention to how your behaviors influence others because you want to be sure that no one has their feelings hurt. You think that you have the power to change the way people think or feel about you by meeting their needs. Actually, you’re going above and beyond human limits, you have limited time and energy, so you can never make everyone happy, and fix everyone’s feelings, you are only in charge of your feelings and actions.
2. You easily attract victimized people
You have the art to collect people that are always in need to fix or to nurture without taking responsibility for their behaviors, These kinds of people come to you because they know that you will be available for them, you will listen, and help them no matter if you have time, energy or resources to do that, they are sure that you will scarify your needs in order to make them feel better.
3. You’re apologizing often
You excessively justify your actions and blame yourself, even when you didn’t do anything wrong. You apologize for your thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and the way you are, frequent apologies can make others blames you too because you are giving them the authority to disrespect you and to think that you really did something bad that requires justifications and apologies.
4. You never say ‘No’
Even if you are exhausted from going out with your friends or lessening to them venting about their work problems, you still go out and spend time with them. You set aside yourself just to make them at ease. You will accept to buy products and pay for services that you don’t want, just to avoid disappointing vendors. Saying Yes every time to things that don’t serve you, will harm your self-esteem and block you from doing things that fulfill you and matter to you more than being a people doormat.
5. You hold too much resentment
You find yourself frequently thinking about past situations that you didn’t want to happen, but you did it anyway for the reason that you are a nice person and you don’t want to disappoint others. You keep ruminating these thoughts in your head and feel anger towards people who used you before. The problem is that you never communicate this feeling to others so you can resolve the problem and express what upset you; you will keep these emotions inside, and pretend that everything is ok.
6. You avoid conflicts
If you have to face a hard decision, you try to stay away from confrontation, because you don’t want to start a conflict. But hiding from conflicts at all costs means that you are not capable to stand up for yourself, so you will accept things that you don’t like just to keep pace. Avoiding behavior leads to anxiety and increases stress in your life, if you want really to solve your problems you should face them directly, by avoiding you are just searching for immediate but not long-lasting relief.
7. You need praise to feel good about yourself
Everyone feels good after being praised, but if your self-esteem depends on validation, chances that you might be a people pleaser, and that you’re feeling of assurance and confidence are based on others’ approval. You don’t love yourself enough, so you keep seeking a compliment to feel good and you rely too much on what others think about you.
If you are a people pleaser, chances are that you do have weak boundaries. In fact, having strong boundaries is a sign of confidence, self-care, and self-respect. As scary as it seems, standing up for yourself is something important to your well-being, especially if you’re raised in your childhood to be too nice, and to please everyone.
The question now is how do you know if you have poor boundaries?
1. You feel that others don’t respect you
If others keep criticizing the way you live your life, it might be in part because your weak boundaries give them the impression that this behavior is tolerable. Our boundaries give others a guidebook on how we expect to be treated, and what behavior we will allow being part of our life. If you don’t set boundaries, or you do have weak ones, people will feel comfortable treating you disrespectfully.
2. You feel used by giving a lot, and not receiving back
If you are someone with poor boundaries, you can easily become a victim of manipulators. You will involuntarily attract people who will use you for their benefit by flattering you or giving you the gratification or validation you seek for. It’s always pleasant to give and receive back in your relationships, but in case you have weak boundaries, some people will take advantage of you even if they don’t intend to. Trust your intuition, the moment you feel you have been used, you probably have. It’s a red flag, don’t ignore it, and try to be more firm and clear next time.
3. You have no privacy
You feel the obligation to over-share everything about your life with everyone, or you feel unable to discern how much information you might share with others in order to connect with them. The reason is that you’re not aware of your own space. Remember that your privacy is something that belongs to you; you don’t have any obligation or duty to tell people more than you should.
The good thing is that you’re never too late to revise the amount of information you reveal, you can always adjust and choose consciously what you want to share with others and what you want to keep to yourself.
4. You seek approval from others
You find yourself frequently meeting others’ needs instead of yours, and probably you base your value on what others think of you. Your deep fear of being rejected or abandoned is coming from your childhood when you learn the message that if you didn’t accept your parents’ or relatives’ requests, you will lose their love and attention. So, you grow to be insensitive to your boundaries in order to gain love and avoid loneliness. The problem is by placing your self-worth in others’ hands, you put your well-being in peril and you lose control over your life.
If you find yourself in these 4 signs, don’t blame yourself for having weak boundaries, take a deep breath, re-evaluate your relationships, and then start to adjust your limits gradually with compassion and consideration for your own needs.
